Sweet little Frances, the details of the day you were born are already fading from my mind. However, as with the other two children, the moment I first saw you, the moment you took your first breath, the moment you came from one world into our world is something that I hold so clear in my heart. I don't believe those memories, those details, will ever fade. The specifics of the days leading up and what we all were doing on your birthday are fading a little so that is why I'm trying to get those into writing. . . before your first birthday! haha
Frances, you were born on a Sunday morning but your birth story starts on the Friday before. Your labor was unlike Elwood's and Tohi's. With the first two births, my first sign of labor was my water breaking, then mild contractions started, followed shortly by strong, intense contractions and then a baby. Elwood from water breaking to birth was under 7 hours, Tohi was under 5 hours. I was preparing for you to arrive 3 hours from my water breaking. It's what I know; it's how I thought my body gave birth. Oh, you, little one, were very different.
We moved to David when I was 36 weeks pregnant. We rented a great little apartment close to the hospital, it had a pool and was walking distance to a park and a grocery store. We thought it was perfect. . . until we arrived and realized it was full of retired, ridiculously crabby Canadians that disliked children, noise, laughter, smiles, and happiness. One lady in particular made it her mission to make us feel as uncomfortable as possible. As soon as we arrived in David we were ready for you to arrive so we could get back home to an environment of peace and love.
So as soon as I hit the safe window to go into labor, the long walks and deep squats and spicy meals started. We were all so excited to meet you and to get you back home! The Friday before you were born, I went to bed feeling nothing but I dreamt all night that I was in labor. I dreamt I went to my old hospital in Key West and was looking for my favorite labor nurse to take care of me. I kept waking up and really paying attention to my body, hoping I would feel real contractions but I felt nothing. I got up a few times to use the bathroom and was waiting for my water to break but nothing happened. I just kept falling asleep and dreaming the same thing: I was in labor; peaceful, easy labor. I woke up on Saturday and just felt different. I was paying close attention to my body and I was definitely not having contractions, or at least what I thought of as contractions, but something felt. . . different. I couldn't tell if I was just hoping something was happening because of my dream or if something was really happening. We had planned on going to the Pacific coast of Panama, which boasts as "having some of the best, most beautiful kid friendly beaches." The family was super excited to go and explore a new part of Panama. We bought a bunch of great snacks, packed a cooler, loaded the bathing suits and changes of clothes and piled into the car. We were so excited to go on a beach adventure and let the kids run around without the glare of disgruntled Canadians making us hush at the kids constantly. Everyone, including me, was so excited about our afternoon that I almost didn't say anything to Conor but before we left I shared my vague thought that "something might be happening." Conor (familiar with my first labors and naturally not being an extremely patient person anyway) responds with "Well, what does that mean? Are you in labor? Do we need to not go to the beach? Do you just need to use the bathroom??" And I didn't know how to answer him. I honestly had no clue. I had the dream, my body felt different. . . I told him I didn't know, I could go into real labor soon or days from now. All I could give him was "I just want to let you know that something might be happening"
So, with that uncertainty hanging in the air and relying on my previous labors being so obvious, we decided that it was safe to travel several hours to the beach for a fun beach day with the family. We loaded into the car and excitedly headed out! The kids were being adorable in the car, we broke into some of the special snacks, we had good music playing on the radio, and all of the sudden I started to notice that "something might be happening." I thought that I might be starting to have contractions. It was mild and vague, not strong and building and undoubtedly clear LABOR like I had always experienced. I felt a small amount of discomfort (something that if I wasn't very pregnant would have been ignored as indigestion) and noted the time. . . and sure enough some more "indigestion" happened about ten minutes later. At this point we were driving away from the hospital so I thought I should share my findings with Conor before I "double checked" and waited another ten minutes to see what would happen. I told him that I think I might be having contractions, maybe even regular contractions. Well you would have thought I told him I was ready to push! He slammed on the brakes and was ready to pull an illegal and dramatic U-turn on the Pan-American highway. I was ready to discuss whether or not it was still a good idea to go to the beach and Conor was ready to take me to the hospital! We made the decision to turn around at the next safe spot (not in the middle of the freeway) and both kids were totally disappointed that our beach adventure day was over before it really even got started. As the tears started in the back seat we excitedly explained that "No! No! This is great news! Your sister is coming! We get to meet the baby soon!" We broke out all the road trip candy and snacks: it was time to celebrate!
We arrived at the house and Tohi took a nap. I was still having contractions but nothing that strong. Conor rented Captain America: Civil War and Woody, Con, and I ate some snacks and watched our favorite Marvel comic characters save the Universe. I couldn't have picked a better movie to distract me from the thought that was lurking "Why hasn't my labor kick started? What is going on in there with my little girl? Is this false labor or will these contractions get stronger and bring her safe arrival???" After the movie ended and nothing had really changed, I told Conor I would like to go for a walk to hopefully help my labor progress. We walked as a family to the park near our house and I briskly walked around the perimeter while Conor and the kids played around. My walking became a moving meditation for me. I held my belly and talked to our baby. I told her we were ready for her to arrive and I was trying to prepare my body to help safely bring her from one world to the next. As I walked my laps around the park and breathed and told my body to open and relax I started to notice people dressed up in their finest clothes walking into a nearby church. Wedding guests were arriving. Little girls under layers of bouffant lace, young bridesmaids in matching dresses and well painted faces. Young men looking dapper in their suits escorting the older women to their seats. Two lives joining today to start their life together. I watched with such joy and peace as I prepared to bring another new life into this world. The parallel beginnings made me happy and peaceful and I sent all that energy to the couple getting married and to my baby girl. I smiled and walked and felt the contractions strengthening.
So, with that uncertainty hanging in the air and relying on my previous labors being so obvious, we decided that it was safe to travel several hours to the beach for a fun beach day with the family. We loaded into the car and excitedly headed out! The kids were being adorable in the car, we broke into some of the special snacks, we had good music playing on the radio, and all of the sudden I started to notice that "something might be happening." I thought that I might be starting to have contractions. It was mild and vague, not strong and building and undoubtedly clear LABOR like I had always experienced. I felt a small amount of discomfort (something that if I wasn't very pregnant would have been ignored as indigestion) and noted the time. . . and sure enough some more "indigestion" happened about ten minutes later. At this point we were driving away from the hospital so I thought I should share my findings with Conor before I "double checked" and waited another ten minutes to see what would happen. I told him that I think I might be having contractions, maybe even regular contractions. Well you would have thought I told him I was ready to push! He slammed on the brakes and was ready to pull an illegal and dramatic U-turn on the Pan-American highway. I was ready to discuss whether or not it was still a good idea to go to the beach and Conor was ready to take me to the hospital! We made the decision to turn around at the next safe spot (not in the middle of the freeway) and both kids were totally disappointed that our beach adventure day was over before it really even got started. As the tears started in the back seat we excitedly explained that "No! No! This is great news! Your sister is coming! We get to meet the baby soon!" We broke out all the road trip candy and snacks: it was time to celebrate!
We arrived at the house and Tohi took a nap. I was still having contractions but nothing that strong. Conor rented Captain America: Civil War and Woody, Con, and I ate some snacks and watched our favorite Marvel comic characters save the Universe. I couldn't have picked a better movie to distract me from the thought that was lurking "Why hasn't my labor kick started? What is going on in there with my little girl? Is this false labor or will these contractions get stronger and bring her safe arrival???" After the movie ended and nothing had really changed, I told Conor I would like to go for a walk to hopefully help my labor progress. We walked as a family to the park near our house and I briskly walked around the perimeter while Conor and the kids played around. My walking became a moving meditation for me. I held my belly and talked to our baby. I told her we were ready for her to arrive and I was trying to prepare my body to help safely bring her from one world to the next. As I walked my laps around the park and breathed and told my body to open and relax I started to notice people dressed up in their finest clothes walking into a nearby church. Wedding guests were arriving. Little girls under layers of bouffant lace, young bridesmaids in matching dresses and well painted faces. Young men looking dapper in their suits escorting the older women to their seats. Two lives joining today to start their life together. I watched with such joy and peace as I prepared to bring another new life into this world. The parallel beginnings made me happy and peaceful and I sent all that energy to the couple getting married and to my baby girl. I smiled and walked and felt the contractions strengthening.
With two sweaty, dirty kids and a now laboring mom, we all headed back to the house to clean up. I was expecting my fast, active labor to start up at any moment. We fed the kids and got them ready for bed. My contractions were regular but not that intense. I helped with dinner and baths, only occasionally needing to pause to breathe through them. I knew I still had time. Conor and I talked about our plan. We didn't have anyone to come watch the kids while we go to the hospital to delivery the baby so everyone was coming with us. This labor was not just about getting to the hospital in time to deliver her, it was also about getting there in time to check in, get the kids settled in my post birth room and then give birth. I had more to think about this time around. And we had the wild card of my water had not broken yet. Sometimes as soon as that water breaks, the baby comes with it. With my first two labors my water broke first so that potential uncertainty was removed for me. This time I had to consider the possibility that with my water breaking after laboring for so long, that little Frances was coming with it. Conor was looking at me to lead the decision making and I was just so UNsure of everything. My contractions were consistently 3 minutes apart but I knew that they were not strong enough to deliver a baby but with so much factors and my whole family to take care of we made the call to go to the hospital. I am a strong believer in not arriving to the hospital til it is practically time to push but my circumstances were different this time and I had my other two little kiddos to settle in first so we piled everyone into the car and headed to the hospital. On arrival, Conor talked to the check in staff and they said they needed to call Dr. Guerra and then go from there. They told me to sit and wait. I paced the hallways and focused on my breathing and tried to connect with Frances, with my body. Were we close? Or was this too early to be here? It was too early. All of the sudden I pictured myself pacing the halls of this sterile hospital while my kids slept in uncomfortable beds waiting for their sister to arrive. Nope, not the plan. We thanked the staff for their time, told them not to call the doctor just yet, and piled some pretty confused and disappointed kids back into the car. Conor tucked the kids into bed when we got back to the apartment and came out to check on me. I told him I was sorry I couldn't definitely figure out when was the right time to leave. He assured me there was no need to apologize and that my support crew was ready when I was.
Conor and I went to bed as well and I fell in and out of sleep while my body surged between intense contractions and bearable contractions. I visualized my body opening and willed my muscles to relax, my breathing to be controlled. I held my belly and bonded with my little girl. I told her I was trying to be as calm as possible to get ready to safely deliver her into this world. A few hours later, laying down was just too uncomfortable. I got up and sat on the edge of the couch, swaying and breathing. Conor got up and put on one of my favorite artists, Mason Jennings, for me to listen to and got me a cup of lemonade. I sipped my lemonade, listen to Mason, and prepared to make the call, again, to leave for the hospital. About an hour later, I woke Conor and told him the time was close. He asked if he could shower and I thought about it and said, "Yes, we have time." He hopped in the shower and while he was in there, the album ended and I stood up to gather my things. Perhaps, Frances felt the ending of such a great album was her cue to arrive, or just the change of position wiggled her closer to the exit point but I went from feeling in control and feeling as if I had correctly read the balance of not laboring in the hospital but getting my kids settled before deliver time to feeling like I had totally waiting too long! Conor got out of the shower and he could tell I had changed. He hustled our sleeping children into the car and off we sped. I was breathing hard and starting to "Ommmmm" with the contractions. I kept thinking if my water breaks Conor will be delivering this baby. I told Conor to drive safely but to not be making any full stops at the stop signs. We arrived at the hospital and there was no "take a seat and we will give the doctor a call" like our first trip. I was taken back to an ER stretcher and they put the sleepy but excited kids on one stretcher and me on the other. I was told I was 8cm and that Dr. Guerra was on his way. We left the ER and at the elevator the kids excitedly waved and told me they loved me. Conor gave me a kiss and told me he loved me and then Dr. Guerra and I entered the elevator alone. Conor and the kids were shown to my post birthing room while Dr. Guerra and I went to the birthing room on the next floor. There was a sweet but flustered nurse and a neonatal physician waiting in the room. From the car ride to that moment I had been telling myself to wait, to hold up just a minute and now I could fully open up, my little family was waiting and ready for our baby's arrival. My water still had not broken and I asked Dr. Guerra if he could please not break it in the hopes that my little girl could be born inside her amniotic sac. He gave me a look that said "Listen hippie lady, let's just get this baby safely delivered" He didn't say yes or no but I felt my water break shortly after. I didn't want to know if it was manually or naturally broken so I didn't ask. All I knew is that I was that much closer to meeting my girl. With my other two births, the staff did not realize I was progressing so fast so I was given the freedom to labor in positions that felt the most comfortable to me. With Woody I stood and swayed by the bed, occasionally squatting down. With Tohi I stayed on all fours until she was crowning. Because we arrived not quite ready to push her out, I was put in the traditional lay on your back, feet in the stirrups, best position for the doctor to see. I was instantly very uncomfortable and Dr. Guerra was telling me to push but I told him, "I know she is still too high, I can feel her up high, she is not right there, ready for me to push her out." I wanted to get up on all fours and re position her but that wasn't an option at this point. A few more very uncomfortable contractions passed that were not productive in pushing her down the birth canal. I sat up as vertical as I could, much farther than the bed could prop me. Thank goodness for the flexibility that yoga provided me because that is what my body needed. I felt my little girl wiggle her way down and then we were ready to push. A few pushes later, accompanied by me letting out low, deep guttural "ooooommmmmmmmm's" and my little girl arrived. Beautiful and safe and breathing. Oh my little Frances, I held her to my chest and kept repeating "Oh my God, Oh my God, Hello, Hello, little girl. Hello." The moment your child is born is beyond words. Your heart swells with such love and awe and relief of the safe arrival. Your whole self, your whole being, is filled with such love and happiness.
Frances Fernweh: You are so loved.
Welcome, little one. Welcome.
Conor and I went to bed as well and I fell in and out of sleep while my body surged between intense contractions and bearable contractions. I visualized my body opening and willed my muscles to relax, my breathing to be controlled. I held my belly and bonded with my little girl. I told her I was trying to be as calm as possible to get ready to safely deliver her into this world. A few hours later, laying down was just too uncomfortable. I got up and sat on the edge of the couch, swaying and breathing. Conor got up and put on one of my favorite artists, Mason Jennings, for me to listen to and got me a cup of lemonade. I sipped my lemonade, listen to Mason, and prepared to make the call, again, to leave for the hospital. About an hour later, I woke Conor and told him the time was close. He asked if he could shower and I thought about it and said, "Yes, we have time." He hopped in the shower and while he was in there, the album ended and I stood up to gather my things. Perhaps, Frances felt the ending of such a great album was her cue to arrive, or just the change of position wiggled her closer to the exit point but I went from feeling in control and feeling as if I had correctly read the balance of not laboring in the hospital but getting my kids settled before deliver time to feeling like I had totally waiting too long! Conor got out of the shower and he could tell I had changed. He hustled our sleeping children into the car and off we sped. I was breathing hard and starting to "Ommmmm" with the contractions. I kept thinking if my water breaks Conor will be delivering this baby. I told Conor to drive safely but to not be making any full stops at the stop signs. We arrived at the hospital and there was no "take a seat and we will give the doctor a call" like our first trip. I was taken back to an ER stretcher and they put the sleepy but excited kids on one stretcher and me on the other. I was told I was 8cm and that Dr. Guerra was on his way. We left the ER and at the elevator the kids excitedly waved and told me they loved me. Conor gave me a kiss and told me he loved me and then Dr. Guerra and I entered the elevator alone. Conor and the kids were shown to my post birthing room while Dr. Guerra and I went to the birthing room on the next floor. There was a sweet but flustered nurse and a neonatal physician waiting in the room. From the car ride to that moment I had been telling myself to wait, to hold up just a minute and now I could fully open up, my little family was waiting and ready for our baby's arrival. My water still had not broken and I asked Dr. Guerra if he could please not break it in the hopes that my little girl could be born inside her amniotic sac. He gave me a look that said "Listen hippie lady, let's just get this baby safely delivered" He didn't say yes or no but I felt my water break shortly after. I didn't want to know if it was manually or naturally broken so I didn't ask. All I knew is that I was that much closer to meeting my girl. With my other two births, the staff did not realize I was progressing so fast so I was given the freedom to labor in positions that felt the most comfortable to me. With Woody I stood and swayed by the bed, occasionally squatting down. With Tohi I stayed on all fours until she was crowning. Because we arrived not quite ready to push her out, I was put in the traditional lay on your back, feet in the stirrups, best position for the doctor to see. I was instantly very uncomfortable and Dr. Guerra was telling me to push but I told him, "I know she is still too high, I can feel her up high, she is not right there, ready for me to push her out." I wanted to get up on all fours and re position her but that wasn't an option at this point. A few more very uncomfortable contractions passed that were not productive in pushing her down the birth canal. I sat up as vertical as I could, much farther than the bed could prop me. Thank goodness for the flexibility that yoga provided me because that is what my body needed. I felt my little girl wiggle her way down and then we were ready to push. A few pushes later, accompanied by me letting out low, deep guttural "ooooommmmmmmmm's" and my little girl arrived. Beautiful and safe and breathing. Oh my little Frances, I held her to my chest and kept repeating "Oh my God, Oh my God, Hello, Hello, little girl. Hello." The moment your child is born is beyond words. Your heart swells with such love and awe and relief of the safe arrival. Your whole self, your whole being, is filled with such love and happiness.
Frances Fernweh: You are so loved.
Welcome, little one. Welcome.
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