Gualby Nation : Zzzz's. . . Or lack there of

Conor and I both are bizarrely good sleepers. To the point that prior to Elwood's arrival I was concerned that we would sleep through Elwood's cries in the night (that has not happened). So, Elwood is genetically wired to be a good sleeper. That is why I am so miffed at his terrible sleeping habits. Terrible. Well, today they are terrible. It depends on what day you get me on. Today was f-ing terrible. Some days he is awesome. Like two, two hour naps during the day, sleeps 8 hours at night, up to power nurse, back down for 4 hours awesome. Other days he takes two 20-30 minute "snaps" (as in Short naps, Shitty naps, naps done as quick as a Snap) and gets up at least every two hours during the night to nurse/be held/rocked/loved on. And here's the thing. The only thing consistent about this guy is him being inconsistent; which makes snaps and newborn nursing night schedules difficult to trouble shoot. I try to wear him out and then put him down when I know he is exhausted. I try to catch him on that very first yawn so to not overstimulate him and put him into manic baby stage. I nurse him to sleep. I don't nurse him to sleep. I wake him up after he falls asleep nursing so he will know that the crib is where he falls asleep, not while being held. I let him fall asleep in my arms and then gently put him in the crib, careful to NOT wake him. I hold him. I rock him. I sing to him. I sling him up and go for a walk. I use the pacifier. I don't use the pacifier. We co-sleep. We don't co-sleep. I use a sleep sound machine. I don't use one. I use a hammock for naps. We use the car seat. I have read about a bamillion different techniques. And I know that it is ME that sounds inconsistent but this poor sleeping sitch has been going on for months so I have tried all of these things on a consistent basis and then when that didn't work, on a not on a consistent basis. All of them work. And none of them work. See, where my frustration at the trouble shooting lies? Some days I am just about ready to scream, swear and pull all the hair out of my agonizingly slow growing, shaggy Mom-do.

Of course I would love a baby that takes an hour morning nap and a three hour afternoon nap and sleeps from 7 to 7 at night. Of course. I am not a lunatic. But, that is not what I have. Is Elwood mostly a product of Conor and my decisions and lifestyle? Absolutely. Am I trying to provide "the gift of good sleep" for my child? Absolutely. If it was up to Conor would we have already done "cry it out?" Probably. I am torn. Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I put him on one of those strict baby schedules and gave the tough love to teach him to "self soothe." But is that me? Is that what I want to do? And more importantly, what is the best decision for my little wood? The waking up in the night to nurse, the some days frustrating "takes me an hour to get him to go to sleep and then he takes a 17 minute f-ing snap" afternoons are fine with me. I know how fortunate I am that I am able to stay home with my little love. The fact that I don't have to go to a busy, short staffed hospital and work a 13 hour shift and then come home to a night of interrupted sleep makes a huge difference in my decision making processes. The lack of confidence in myself that is starting to creep in stems from the fact that most babies his age are sleeping better than this. I know that comparing your baby to other babies is a huge parenting don't but I'm not comparing him to my neighbor's kids, I'm comparing him to the statistic of his age. And that statistic sleeps better than Woody. I know good, solid naps and sleeping for longer intervals during the night is what Elwood needs, his little body gets tired and his happy-go-lucky little self gets cranky when he doesn't sleep well. So, my hesitation, in continuing to just love him and go to him and aid him back to sleep is starting because I wondering if I am doing him a disservice at not giving the "skills" to "self soothe" himself back to sleep. I am trying to, I read a lot about tips to help ease your child into independent sleeping. I just can't seem to buy into what most "tips" are telling me to do. So I am continuing to choose the "go to him and love on him" method. I don't feel letting him cry and hope he figures it out in the dark, by himself, is what is best for him. That is the only thing I feel strongly about. I have gone to him when he has called for me his whole life, and then one day I decide that he needs to figure it out for himself and I just don't go? He is only 8 months old, he is not spoiled, he is not a "mama's boy." He is a baby and he is telling me in the only way he knows how to communicate that he needs something, who am I to think I can just ignore him because he should be able to sleep better than this? I peak in on him when he starts to get upset and he looks heartbreakingly sad as he searches for someone he knows and trusts to come and comfort him. Everyone tells me he is going to grow up so fast. These days of not so great sleeping are also the days that he stills fits on my lap to nurse (well, he does sort of), that he is still nursing, that he smells oh-so-baby-delicious (he will soon smell like a little boy who has been playing in the mud and holding frogs and bugs all day). I think, perhaps, I need to stop doubting myself and feel confident that my hippie love parenting techniques is what is best for my little man and I should just enjoy this. I need to just love him, hold him, kiss him, rock him and know that he will get his sleep patterns down in time. I think I should try to push my doubts out of my mind and just let his chubby little hand lay soft upon my breast and feel his body relax, his breaths becoming slower, and watch as he is dreamily slips into a peaceful, not cried out state of sleep.

I guess I am sharing this mostly for me. Because it is a form of clearing my head, getting my thoughts in order. Because memories fade with time. In a few years when Woody is sleeping like the Gorham he is, I will not remember how frustrating this was for me, for us as a family. I write it so when Elwood's future sister or brother is doing it (or hopefully not doing it) I will remember that it too will pass (or be thankful that I've got a good sleeper).

Post Note:
I wrote this post well over a week ago after an exceptionally trying day of sleeping, or rather not sleeping, with Elwood. I sat down and let my fingers whirl over the keyboard, giving words to my feelings of frustration and guilt. I let myself shed light on all the insecurities and emotions that arose while I tried to face the possibility that I am doing something wrong as a Mom. After my stream of consciousness typing, I went to bed. And slept great, until of course my little buddy woke me a few hours later. But I awoke with a new sense of peace. As if just writing the words down was a form of therapy, of letting go. I am doing a great job as Elwood's mom. Just ask Elwood. He is happy and secure and thriving. Almost all of my feelings of self doubt were gone as I held Elwood's calm body in my arms, felt his baby chick fuzz hair on my arm, and cherished his soft, chubby little hand rubbing me as he peacefully nursed and then fell back asleep. The other thing that has happened, besides my new zen state of mind, is that I have ordered and received Elizabeth Pantley's "the no-cry sleep solution" book. . . so I don't even know why I am posting this blog because all my sleep problems are about to be solved.

One of the more awesome benefits of getting up before the sun
is watching the sun rise on the beach in our P.J.'s. On these mornings I can't help but day dream into the future when it is Woody and me, still in our P.J.'s, but instead at the helm of Gualby, taking our morning shift as the sun welcomes us to a new day.